In a dramatic statement made after hours¹ last night Apple announced a complete re-branding exercise under the new name “Kumquat”.

“The Apple brand has served us well and has made us the unbelievably big global giant we are today” says CEO Tim Cook.   However with Steve Jobs no longer around, the share price at over $600 and the Market cap approaching $600Bn this can’t go on forever.

“There is a limit to how many iPods, iPads and Macs our fans are willing to buy so to sustain the growth we need to give them something else.”

That something is the Kumquat. The Kumquat is everything that Apple was but as a more upmarket and exotic fruit we expect consumers to be willing to pay even more for their addiction. Existing sub brands (iPod, iPad etc) will remain unaffected though replacement stickers will be available online and at Apple Kumquat stores and greengrocers in your locality.

The announcement has been greeted with some surprise by the company’s huge global fanbase but most have readily accepted the move based on subliminal preconditioning when using their i-gadgets over the past month.

The only real source of dismay has been in China where pirate manufacturers are rapidly having to change their branding with some having produced designs using an orange which is of course an understandable mistake.

Posh supermarket chain Waitrose has greeted the news with delight. A spokesman told this blog that they had stocked up on extra kumquats at the expense of  space normally used for Granny Smiths and Golden Delicious and have announced a special introductory offer of a 200% price hike (they can bog off) before the price settles at 300% of normal RRP.

Other supermarkets were unavailable to comment as Waitrose have bought up all the stocks and the manufacturing lead times are 12 months. Retail giant Tesco is rumoured to be preparing a campaign based around the satsuma under its “Value” brand. Market research suggests that this could be a gamble as the prevalence of too many pips in the satsuma has been known to put consumers off though a slightly earlier than usual start to its Christmas sales campaign might be an option.

My bet is that the Kumquat will be easier to peel than the satsuma which will make all the difference in a market where consumers have been known to shy away from a personal communication product “just because it isn’t white”.

In a final comment Cook was heard to say “anyone objecting to this change is just full of sour grapes”. Well they had better get used to the taste of Kumquat.

¹ Or at least after the pubs shut

² If anyone from the USA is reading this just for clarification and for the avoidance of litigation it might not have been wasn’t Tim Cook that said this, yawl.